The Five Stages of Commitment
Language is a potent tool that can shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Every history student knows that words can move nations when well crafted. As coaches, we have witnessed firsthand the profound impact of a client’s thoughts and words on their mindset, behavior, and outcomes. In this post, we will unpack and explore the nuances of five common words: "should," "need," "want," "will," and "am." This article explores how these words influence or limit our intent, motivation, and, ultimately, our lives. Understanding the significance words have in our lives and the not-so-subtle distinctions between them can enable us to build a powerful mindset for achieving our goals.
The Weight of "Should": Shame
"Should" carries connotations of the “right thing to do,” external pressure, and societal norms. “I should exercise more,” “I should have seen that coming.” When we use "should" in our language, we often name regret or a sense of duty or moral expectation imposed by themselves or others– but not a requirement. “Should” reflects the separation between where we are and where we feel we “ought” to be. And it often represents the least compassionate parts of ourselves, the inner critic that is ever present to judge our shortcomings. While common, “shoulding all over yourself” can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, resentment, and resistance, which will stall our personal growth. We often use the word to indicate that it is something we likely won't be doing, and we feel a sense of guilt or remorse for not doing so.
As coaches, we encourage clients to reframe "should'' into more empowering language that aligns with their values and aspirations.
The Essence of "Need": The False Survival Instinct
"Need" generally signifies necessity, urgency, and or survival. When we express what we want using "need," we are subconsciously trying to tap into more primal survival instincts. Much like “should,” need frequently becomes the lament of the unfulfilled. While we may “need” to exercise to get fit, we don’t “need” to do it to survive.
Alternatively, because we “need” to drink water to survive, we know we will do it. Our mind knows this distinction and quickly dismisses this ‘need’ language as surplus around anything we don't “need” to do to survive. Because “need” comes from a place of survival, whether externally or self-imposed, it disconnects us from our deeper internal desires by externalizing a desire into a false requirement.
In our coaching, we find that clients who rely on “need” to access their personal power are rarely successful and generally find themselves staring at the abyss of unfulfilled outcomes. We guide clients to differentiate between genuine needs and wants by asking them if something they need is “something that they truly want,” thereby empowering them to make more conscious choices aligned with their deeper desires.
Unveiling the Power of "Want": Owning your desire
"Want" epitomizes desire, aspiration, and personal agency. When we articulate our goals using "want," we prime the reward pathways in the brain. Neurologically, the anticipation of fulfilling “wants” releases dopamine, eliciting feelings of pleasure and motivation. It can also bring up fear and anxiety because to openly want is to make ourselves vulnerable to the possibility of failure and disappointment. Harnessing the power of "want" empowers us to connect to our intrinsic motivation and allows us to pursue our passions with enthusiasm and perseverance. The most effective way to unlock a “want” is to pair it with a powerful “why.” The “why” provides the leverage to make the “want” become a reality. Would you drive five hours today to pick up a great burger? Probably not. But you would drive 10 hours today to pick up needed medicine for a loved one. Nearly anything is possible if the “why” is strong enough.
As coaches, we help clients clarify their wants by connecting them to their “whys” so that they have the resolve necessary to achieve their goals.
The Force of "Will": Conviction
Saying "I Will" engages determination and commitment. When we declare our intentions using "will," we tap into our intrinsic motivation and engage executive functions in our brains, such as planning, goal-setting, and self-regulation. Cultivating a strong "will" enables us to overcome obstacles, persevere in the face of challenges, and achieve our biggest dreams. Moving from “want” to “will” moves us into a future mind state where we have already realized our goals in our minds, and the only task left is to complete the journey. There is greater certainty because the decision to succeed has been made, and all we need to do now to achieve the goal is follow through.
We support clients in strengthening their "willpower" through mindset shifts, habit formation, and strategic planning, so the only risk to achieving the goal is execution risk.
Embracing the Power of "Am": Embodiment
"Am" signifies identity, self-awareness, and personal agency. It also signifies arrival at the goal. When we affirm our beliefs and values using "am," we activate regions of the brain associated with self-awareness and social cognition. Embracing the power of "am" empowers us to embody our true selves, aligning our thoughts, words, and actions with our core identity.
As coaches, we facilitate self-discovery and growth by encouraging clients to embrace their strengths, values, and unique qualities as they reach the peak of “am.”
Conclusion:
The words we choose to express our thoughts and intentions wield immense power in shaping our mindset and behavior. By understanding the dynamics of words such as "should," "need," "want," "will," and "am," we can harness our inherent potential for personal transformation and fulfillment.
As coaches, we are committed to empowering individuals to unlock their full potential and lead lives aligned with their deepest aspirations. By harnessing the power of language and avoiding its limitations, we can move from dreaming about what could be to living it. If we walk this path consistently, we will develop a mindset capable of achieving our biggest dreams.
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